Spotting abusive people is not easy as it seems. Many people believe that they can spot an abusive person after only one conversation with them. However, this isn’t the case. Abusers are difficult to spot, as they seem completely normal and hide in plain sight from the people that they aren’t actively abusing.
According to psychotherapist Amy Lewis Bear, “Abusers can be highly skilled at projecting an attractive image that convinces others they have solid personal values and wouldn’t be capable of abuse. An abuser’s thoughtful and caring behavior toward others gives their victims more reason to take the blame.”
4 Hidden Behaviors An Abusive Person Displays Before Revealing Themselves
- Abusers are regular people, but here is the catch …
Spotting an abuser is difficult as it is much more than looking for a person with a bad temper or a shifty character at night. Abusers don’t seem like normal people as they are great at pretending- it is because they are normal people who lead normal lives.
They may have issues like substance abuse or money problems, but these are traits of non-abusers too. It is important to remember that abusive people are regular people and knowing that will make it easier to spot them when they begin to show themselves. What`s the catch, then? They like playing the blame game.
Author Steven Stosny mentions, “Avoid anyone who blames his negative feelings and bad luck on someone else. Feeling like victims, they see themselves as justified in whatever retaliation they enact and whatever compensation they take. Blamers will certainly cause pain for you if you come to love one.”
- Abusers don’t abuse everyone
Many people don’t believe the victims of abuse as they had a great interaction with the abuser. This is a highly dangerous trap to fall into, and it is critical to remember that abusers don’t abuse everyone. If they did, no one would ever get close to them to control and manipulate.
The victims of an abuser are typically people that they are close to, like a partner or a family member. If someone’s past partners have the same story of them being abusive, it is a red flag.
- Abusers run into relationships
Without a victim, an abuser has no one to abuse, which often leads to them going from one relationship to another and immediately looking for another victim when the first one leaves. When one victim leaves, the abuser is immediately in search of another one, or they will act as kind as possible in order to bring them back.
The best way to end their reign is to remove the victim safely. When this happens, the abuser will show their hand as they don’t like having their abuse victims taken from them.
- Abusers don’t abuse all the time, but when they do…
This is the major reason why so many women who are in an abusive relationship stay. If an abuser is abusing them all the time, they wouldn’t have anyone to mistreat as everyone will stay away from them. The key trait of an abuser is that they are able to get away with it without driving their victim away.
This means that they may start with small acts of abuse, such as subtle gaslighting and manipulation. Eventually, they build up to a more controlling behavior. Sometimes, they may have outbursts of violence, such as hitting and yelling, and then becoming loving again.
The thing about abusers is that these acts of abuse are never a one-time thing, but when they abuse, “they may have elaborate excuses for these incidents or blame the person they attacked by saying they “had to” or that they “were provoked,” states WebMD.
Remember: Abusers can be all kinds of people, regardless of gender, religion, race, or social class. Keeping an eye for these traits will keep victims safer and minimize the damage done.